I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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