Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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