In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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