I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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