how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
