it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
