Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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