After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
