i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize