fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
look no pants
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
