He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
