i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
