I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
