You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
