you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
