the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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