i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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