She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
