I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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