she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
