So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
