I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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