had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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