I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
if only i could text you this smell
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
