dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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