dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
