I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
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