Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
