im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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