bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
