He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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