she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Send help, water and tortillas.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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