If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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