i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
