Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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