All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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