I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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