woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
