I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
