Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
