Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
