why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
