I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
