I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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