I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
