yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
