This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
