I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
