I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
