Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
