My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
