Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize