Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
