At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
