Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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